Farts are the screams of trapped poop!

I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.

I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.

I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.

Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. It’s that no one runs in your family.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. So, I gave him a glass of water.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.

I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. I guess I was stoned off my ass.

Blunt pencils are really pointless.

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.

Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.

If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.